Being Bullied “Professionally” - Identify and recover

It all started when I signed up to volunteer for an organization dedicated to the empowerment of young women professionals. “What could possibly go wrong?”, I thought. At the time, I was unemployed, recently returned from my yoga training in India, motivated and quite zen. Well, little did I know that, sometimes, what starts off promising ends up terrible, and it really does not take much to break another person’s confidence. Trying my best to contribute to a cause I truly believed in, I was treated worse than ever before as an adult, and I had an exceptional amount of trouble defending myself. As the bullying parties seemingly softened their blows with elaborate sentences and hid behind formal language, they made it virtually impossible for me to call them out because, in this scenario, the personal was never explicit. 

Later, people in my life told me that “This is always what happens with volunteering.” I am not sure about that, I have volunteered many times, but never before did I become collateral damage to another person’s power trip. What happened harmed me, and, in an attempt to reframe the narrative I was told about myself, I am writing about it. Bullying can happen at any point to anyone, and work spaces usually have policies in place to protect their employees. However, when it happens in an unmoderated context like volunteering, things become more complicated. Additionally, it is extremely hard to identify when the attacks are cushioned by flowery language and formal terminology. This is why I feel this article is so important, for me and for the reader; we need to learn to identify bullying in the workplace, and to know what our rights are when we experience it. There is actually quite a lot of legislation on different forms of workplace harassment, but addressing it often means going against established power structures, and reclaiming your strength after someone tried to rob you of it.

Before getting into all that, let me recount to you what happened.

I joined a team of four: two long established members of the organization plus me and another newbie. Things started out fine, though I felt a little weary entering what seemed to be an established dynamic between two women who, for the purpose of this article, will be named Ava and Emily. We did not really receive guidance on how to start or what exactly we were supposed to do, except for one Google Doc that laid out the steps of the training organization, our team’s purpose. 

After I had been assigned to a training event that was to take place in late September, my request for a guidance call with Emily, my co-organizer, was declined due to “conflicting summer vacations”. All communication was in a single Whatsapp group, making a separation between private and professional messaging difficult, and causing proper chaos when assigning and detailing tasks. Still, I ventured on, tried to do my best, and ignored these initial red flags. Of course, turning a blind eye to red flags does not make them go away, and, like a toro in a bullfighting arena, I saw myself opposite obnoxiously bright flags when our first conflict arose. I was to be the main responsible party for the establishment of a book club, something that was very close to my heart and that I felt I knew a lot about. The establishment of the book club was discussed during my “interview”, as the organization wanted to establish one and was looking for an extra person to be in charge of it, who they found in me. 

Following a survey among potential participants and picking a reading for the first session, I started drafting the invitation emails, which caused a strange disagreement - first only with Ava, then Emily chimed in - over how many pages the participants should aim to read. I do not generally have a problem with professional conflict, I am comfortable laying out my argument, listening to counter-arguments, and finding a middle ground. What made this situation stand out was that the other side appeared to be extremely uncomfortable receiving push-back and compromising. The terms I proposed were: Participants should aim to read the entire book (about 90 pages) in the three weeks leading up to the event, but could opt not to if they did not have time. This way, we could know at what speed people really read and how much we could expect in the future. I was the only person in the round who had actually read the book and could judge how hard of a read it was, but my expertise and my opposition appeared to be creating a certain unease. I seemed to be overstepping boundaries that I was not aware of, and that, given that I was the one designated “in charge”, should not have been there in the first place. The real reason I was “hired” seemed to peek through: to fulfill another person’s vision that had been fed to me as my own. Now, in hindsight, a very famous meme pops up in my head whenever I think about it and a Star Wars alien tells me: it’s a trap!

It was a trap, yes, but well, I guess I was a naive rodent blinded by the cheese that was the idea of my own book club.

Not long after, I had fulfilled a huge part of my other responsibility by finding a book club location. To me, this proved a difficult task since I do not really hang out in spacious Brussels cafes or have ties to event halls outside those belonging to the European Institutions. In spite of my requests, I did not receive guidance except for a list of requirements: free, spacious, quiet. I searched for a little and then managed to secure a room as a favor from a place I used to teach singing in. Then, we received feedback from one participant that it was too far outside the city center. Fair feedback, but I am not a magician. So while I was tagged in the group chat by Ava and bombarded with screenshots and the plea to find a new place, I asked for help, but did not receive any real support. I ended up finding a new place by myself but then got reprimanded by Ava for not responding in “the proper tone” to participants, i.e., not signing the email with the organization’s logo. And that in a volunteer-based organization whose members are young and just want to meet people.

The day after, we had an event Emily and I co-organized. We had to troubleshoot as the event location was missing an adapter for the moderator’s computer. I ended up sprinting home to grab that adapter and my computer, but I was still admonished by Ava for not having the adapter prepared, while Emily blamed members of the team that were responsible for event location. Either way, it was never their fault. In reality, the missing adapter was the result of an unfortunate series of coincidences that I fixed, but their reaction, and Ava’s first instinct being to point the finger of blame at me, was indicative of the culture that was emerging in the team, a culture of very un-Spidermanly power without responsibility. 

This culture started to weigh heavier on me as our conflicts worsened. Until the end of our working relationship, I received numerous requests to complete tasks that they could easily have done themselves and that I believe they knew were not my strong suit. Not difficult stuff, and nothing someone with a clear vision and desire for control could not have completed. I got stressed out over it, even though I did this voluntarily and in addition to my normal tasks, and was micromanaged and then criticized for non-perfect results. Sitting down and writing this now, I assume these were either tests or ways to set me up for failure. 

Being set up to fail is a clear indicator of bullying in the workplace or professional environments. There are two common ways of setting people up to fail: one is to overload the victim with work while over-interfering and denying them the authority to handle it. The other is to intentionally withhold information that the victim would need to succeed. 

I was suffering under the first type. The micromanagement and overbearing patronization plus blame for any- and everything drastically diminished my self-esteem. All this took place over a couple of weeks, but it made me doubt all my ability to work. I felt like I could not and had never done anything right, like I was unable to function in the workplace, despite my professional track record indicating otherwise. I started being very tense, my breathing became shallow, and every look at the notifications on my phone induced pure anxiety; in short, my body started employing trauma responses.

The next week, we were called in for a meeting with the whole team. To be fully transparent, I have to admit that I did forget one of my tasks for the previous event, which was to send out the invitations after their drafts. That was my mistake and I took accountability for that and still do. When I pointed out that they could have reminded me of the task, rather than do it themselves and complain to me, they said “We are not your managers”. Following all the micromanagement I had to tolerate the weeks prior, I think it is obvious that this was not the conclusion I had drawn. At least this way, these two unconsciously pointed at the core of our disagreement: responsibilities were not clearly named nor assigned, and the two people who were established members of the organization and had circumstantially been promoted to leadership tasks seemed to be out of their depth in fulfilling their roles, resulting in them lashing out and bullying the newbies.

During the meeting, Emily started verbally attacking me, claiming I would not take feedback and always respond with “Yes, but…”. When I asked when this happened, she could not provide any examples. Later, I checked all our messages and could not find a single instance of what she had referenced. I had never responded like that in situations of criticism, only in those of disagreements. My best analysis of that occurrence is that she was trying to gaslight me, i.e. get me to doubt my perception of reality and replace it with her own, thus making me a prisoner of my mind and unable to confront her or push back. 

We do not know for certain why adults bully other adults. In the workplace, the most obvious answer is probably power. Bullies want to exercise control over other people’s actions and emotions, thus feeling in charge and getting ahead. Other research suggests that people bully out of jealousy, intending to knock others down, often attacking seemingly more qualified, more popular, or in other ways “superior” individuals. Oftentimes, bullying in the workplace is also an organizational failure (more on that later).

When Emily tried to gaslight me, I believe she was kicking down in an attempt to assert dominance over my upstanding persona and to make life more difficult for me. She had expressed how she disliked her salaried job and how she was looking to change, and maybe my open disagreement just did not fit her fantasy of what she wanted when she signed up to volunteer in an organization dedicated to (her) empowerment, and so she tried to push me down and kick me out. 

This meeting was an extremely difficult experience for me as I did not get to express myself. Ava and Emily had obviously crafted an agenda together and went through it point by point, listing all the problems they had with me and the other newbie. The two of us were not provided this agenda beforehand, meaning we were just sitting at a café table, startled by two women systematically berating us, with no means or opportunity to respond to their attacks, as we had had no way to anticipate what was coming at us. Every time I tried to raise a point from my perspective, they dismissed my replies, denied any responsibility for anything, and went on with their criticism. 

Still driven by my commitment to the book club, which was to take place a week from then, I tried to close the chapter and move forward. I naively believed that despite their berrating and criticisms, they were well-intentioned, and decided to text Emily. I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, apologizing for my mistake, explaining how things seemed from my side, and expressing how I wished to improve our communication. As a response, I received the most brazen non-apology of my life, a message so shameless, some of my exes would probably like to sit down and take notes about deviating responsibility. I quote: ”I am sorry you feel this way and sad to hear that you perceive what is meant as both clear (as you constantly request) and constructive feedback as a personal attack on you - there is nothing personal, only professional remarks/advice. Again, sorry you feel this way. I wish you a good evening nonetheless.”

On Merriam-Webster, a nonpology or non-apology is defined as “a disingenuous or insufficient apology : a statement that is offered as an apology but that fails to express true regret or to take responsibility for having done or said something wrong.” Commonly named examples for non-apologies are statements such as “I am sorry you feel this way.” or “I am sorry if what I did hurt you.” 

The penny finally dropped; it was never about getting along or improving any relationship, it was about pointing fingers, blaming, and elevating their egos while kicking others down. 

I was devastated and cried painfully - my boyfriend witnessed my breakdown and asked if it was really worth it. I did not have a good answer for that, but I had made a commitment to the book club, and I wanted to push through for it. My confidence, however, was shattered. 

To reassure myself and restore a sense of reality, I showed all their messages, but most specifically Emily’s, to the people in my life, asking them to confirm I was not crazy, and that this really was so much more than feedback. Doing that demonstrated that my understanding of myself and of reality had shifted due to Ava’s and Emily’s words. I was doubting the truth, and my instincts were becoming unreliable. 

In another attempt to improve my working relationships, I asked Ava, who I had previously had more trouble with, to have a call. It went well; we agreed that communication via text was not good for us and that we worked better when we talked more in person. She sent out an email to everyone, laid out the upcoming events and the new ways of communication. All good and well, the conflicts were now water under the bridge, or so I thought. 

That same evening, she sent me a new email, wanting to meet again. More emails followed and soon, the book club had been canceled. Why, I was never told. I tried to compromise, offering to support the event without hosting or having my name attached to it. 

I wanted to see through what I had started, especially since I knew people who had signed up for the book club and were looking forward to it. Without explanation, all my offers to compromise were rejected. All the while, Emily was CC’d in the email chain and I removed her every time. Maybe a cowardly move, but I did not want to be anywhere near her nor her name. 

Obviously, I could have shared screenshots of what she had sent me and pointed out that I and everyone around me considered her a bully, but at the time, I wanted to close the chapter and give her a chance to redeem herself some time in the future. The last email I received stated: “The decision to cancel the club has been made. Emily has to be in CC because she is part of the [...] Committee." 

I still have no idea who the members of this committee were, or why they had any bearing on my activities, as nobody ever explained it to me. The committee was only occasionally mentioned in passing. Another volunteer from a different team once asked me if I was also coming to the committee meeting, but Emily just looked at her and secretively shook her head. In hindsight, I suspect the other newbie and I were only trying out for the organization without having been made aware of it. We had no idea about the committee, which may or may not include only full members, nor were we given organizational email addresses. If we were really just there to prove ourselves, it was not communicated to us. In a paid job, this would have been highly illegal. You cannot give someone a trial period without informing them and receiving their consent to it. In volunteering, however, there are no contracts, and things that would be considered forbidden according to labor law, are not covered. 

At this point, I was tired of passive aggressive arguing and gave up. When I read that last email, it dawned on me that whatever we were doing was only about her having the last word. I realized I could not win, and I explicitly did not want to expose myself to more gaslighting. So, I let it go. Then, I received an “official” message saying that, in the future, they will have only committee members on the team, but I was still welcome to come to their events (of an organization I pay membership for, nonetheless!). 

My friends said: Good riddance. And, you know what, so do I.

By the way, the book club was held recently. It was an online event, maybe because they could not find a location. In spite of their claim that we were lacking “alignment”, they still relied on all my previous work and discussed the book I picked. 

Now, all of this happened over the course of only a couple of weeks last fall, but I am still coping with it. Although I did a decent amount of wound-licking and self-care, have a good support system, and possess the intellectual and emotional capacity to do research, write this article, and recontextualize what happened, it still haunts me. 

I feel like I am covered in scars I never wanted to earn. I developed chronic muscular tension and pain in the shoulders, chest, and hamstrings. My breathing is still fast and shallow, making it harder to relax or take a deep breath. I constantly feel on edge. Over the holidays, the memories kept me awake until the early hours, and, while I am slowly improving, I still hear their voices playing in the back of my mind from time to time. 

What are the next steps? How to avoid workplace bullying:

I got all this trauma “for free”, i.e., by volunteering. On the one hand, this is good because it made it easier for me to leave. On the other hand, I had no one to go to, and Ava and Emily had no incentive to behave differently and make it work.

I believe we need to talk about bullying in professional spaces, but more specifically in volunteering, because awareness and clear rules are one of the first steps of prevention. 

Most volunteer organizations do not have an HR or a mediation service. If someone experiences bullying, there is no official procedure or mechanism charged with finding a solution. Things will just continue until one party will inevitably be forced to leave.

Bullying in the workplace is, at least to some extent, illegal in all Western countries. 

Examples of behaviors that qualify as bullying include: intimidating or undermining employees by shaming their work standards, not giving them credit when it is due or taking credit for their work, setting them up for failure, constantly reminding them of past mistakes, embarrassing them, or giving unfair criticism. 

What makes bullying so special is that these are small acts that are harmful through their repetition. Of course, colleagues can argue and fight, and even be rude, but that does not make them bullies. Bullying occurs when these actions are taken repeatedly and target one specific person.

In Europe, employers generally have an obligation of care and must ensure that preventative steps against bullying are taken. These measures can range from training, to simply good management, to designing a company’s organizational structure in ways that make bullying impossible. 

Victims and third-parties who reported the bullying are usually protected from reprisals, meaning they cannot be fired or in any other way reprimanded for their decision to take action against the bully. 

In Germany, employees feeling the psycho- and physiological impact of workplace bullying have a right to paid sick leave and can sign a declaration of discontinuance, thus legally obliging their bully to stop their actions. If the bullying includes actions such as insults or defamation, the bully may also be charged in criminal court, as these are criminal offenses according to German law. Additionally, victims can demand compensation from their employers for failing to care for them.

In France, serious bullying in the workplace is even a criminal offense and punishable with up to two years in prison or a fine up to 30,000€.

In the United States, there is the OSHA (Occupational Safety and Health Administration), that is primarily concerned with workers’ physical safety, but also provides training and guidance on bullying. In the current political climate, I am not sure how long this organization will continue, but for now, as of February 2025, it still exists… 

Otherwise, only harassment and discrimination are covered by federal law, and regulations specifically addressing bullying without discriminatory motivation or clear harassment vary state by state. The coverage of those regulations extends from mandatory anti-bullying training for companies with more than 50 employees in California to straight up forbidding the creation of a hostile work environment in Texas. 

Now, I live in Belgium where anti-bullying laws only cover the bare minimum for European standards. Still, had I been employed, I could have reported Ava and Emily, I may have even forwarded screenshots of their messages to the president of the organization and been able to demand a solution to my problem. 

A good way to prevent bullying, even in volunteer organizations, is by raising awareness. If more people know how bullying in the workplace manifests itself, they can see it and react. Organizational consciousness around bullying can also keep employees in line, communicating to them that if they treat someone a certain way, there will be either legal consequences or, at the very least, other colleagues will observe it and disapprove of their behavior. 

In a normal company, all this is legally required, but for unpaid services without contractual obligations, these things become optional. 

Volunteer organizations need to make sure that there is constant discussion around people’s feelings, and how they communicate with each other. There needs to be a culture of transparency and ideally, a well-intentioned person who can truly mediate through conflicts. 

In my case, I had absolutely no one to go to, mainly because I was new to the organization and crucial information about the organizational structure was withheld from me. I was never officially introduced to the vast majority of members, so, if there was someone whose job it was to ensure a positive environment or mediate conflicts, I did not know about them, and maybe they had only ever loosely heard about me. 

When I was let go, maybe the decision raised some eyebrows among members of the ominous committee, but again, aside from my two bullies, I had only ever met one other person. Did it matter to them what I did or what my story was? Did they think it was suspicious that a long announced event had to be cancelled on incredibly short notice for no apparent reason? Frankly, I cannot seriously believe anybody really cared. 

Honestly, and without tooting my own horn, I believe my story is a cautionary tale about everything that can go wrong when members of an organization are focused purely on output, with no consideration for human connection or good communication and collaboration.

Collaboration between humans needs to be in some ways monitored, otherwise, things can simply go off rails too fast. I am writing this to, at least, raise awareness for other volunteers or volunteer projects, and to make clear that bullying is as much of an organizational problem as it is an interpersonal problem. 

What are the consequences of bullying and how can one recover?

When employees bully, it impacts everyone. 

The most business-oriented argument against bullying has to be that it is simply terrible for company output. Victims perform worse while they are bullied, which is mainly linked to its effects on mind and body. 

Additionally, if an organizational structure enables bullying, there are usually other problems present. Most commonly, it indicates a culture of secrecy and distrust among employees, or, at the very least, lack of faith towards the organization’s hierarchy. Companies that do not invest in a trusting, supportive team usually have a higher turnover and worse long-term prospects than those that do. 

Bullying wreaks havoc on one’s physical and mental health. I already mentioned some of the effects I experienced: tension, stress, anxiety, loss of self-esteem, insomnia. In addition to all of these, victims can also develop trouble focusing or making decisions, especially if they have to share a space with their bully and constantly think about how they can avoid them. Logically, a hostile environment like this can make one feel isolated and alone. The situation can also impact the victim’s private life, making them take their problems home, thus undermining their personal relationships. Bullying is also linked to an increased risk of suicidal behavior. 

Victims of bullying need to be able to recover. Sometimes, this can mean leaving their place of work, but this option is really only feasible for the more privileged portion of our society who can either quickly find a new job or afford being unemployed for a bit. If you live in Europe, you can file a complaint, and, even though this is probably still a tough and tedious path, you can watch your employer or government take care of the problem. 

You might want to go into therapy, another solution for the expensive and privileged. You can also try to work on breathing techniques or sleep meditation to at least help you leave your problems at work. While this is not the most convenient option, there is at least free guidance out there. Thanks to YouTube, blogs, and social media, you can learn these techniques at no charge and with limited time investment.

I believe that most important for all victims is the reframing of the situation. When I started writing this text, I was so angry and so hurt, and, deep down, I somewhat still believed that I was crazy and terrible at everything I touched. What helped me most was writing this piece, researching, and developing an understanding of the dynamics that took place.

I would like everyone who has ever experienced workplace bullying to remember: 

When you are overly criticized, you are overly criticized because someone makes the choice to tear you down, not because you are terrible. If you are set up for failure, someone took the chance to succeed away from you, you failed because there was never another option. When someone tries to sell you a narrative about yourself, trust your instinct. You know better than anyone what happened. 

Lastly, there is no shame in turning around and walking away if you can. You are better than anyone who seeks validation and power at the expense of other people.

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Bibliography:

Occupational Safety and Health Agency: OSHA 

French Government’s output on laws around Bullying: Harcèlement moral | Service-Public.fr

German Government’s output on federal laws around Bullying: Gesetzliche Regelungen in Deutschland zum Schutz vor Mobbing am Arbeitsplatz Sachstand

Belgian government’s output on federal laws around Bullying. Violence, harcèlement moral et harcèlement sexuel au travail: modifications de la protection du travailleur contre les représailles | SPF Emploi - Travail et Concertation sociale 

Sansone, Randy A., and Lori A. Sansone. "Workplace bullying: a tale of adverse consequences." Innovations in clinical neuroscience 12.1-2 (2015): 32.

Yarbrough, Jillian Williamson. Acknowledging, Supporting and Empowering Workplace Bullying Victims: A Proactive Approach for Human Resource Managers. Springer Nature, 2023.

Bulut, S., & Hihi, S. (2021). Bullying in the workplace: The psychological causes and effects of bullying in the workplace. Clinical Research in Psychology, 4(1), 1-5.